A couple of hours ago, I was all in a happy mood. Yay no work tomorrow and I can sleep in late. Getting ready for bed but I decided to check my yahoo email. As I was reading my little brother Marc's email, I was suddenly in shock ! My sister in law died of breast cancer Friday night.... We all know this is coming and I always told Mike that I am just waiting for them to let me know and yet it comes to me as a shock. It felt as if I am a soldier not ready to go to a war. I am very very sad about her fate. I am very very sad too for the loss of my niece and nephew's mother. And I am deeply sorrow for my oldest brother to loss a good wife who stand by him all the years of their marriage. Sometimes life seems not to be fair. Why does she has to be. Grace love life, it's simplicity. Giggles to all my news and updates about Dylan. I told her about all the stages of my pregnancy with Dylan and up to our last email which is Dylan's birthday whereabouts. She is always excited to hear news about us. And now that she is gone, who will email me as often as she can just to ask "how am I doing" ? I never realize this just now...
It hurts to think that for those people who wants to live longer dont get the chance and yet some people just waste their lives. I know Grace fought for her life till the end but her precious and tired body cannot take it anymore.
I cannot sleep just because I am in denial nor in acceptance that she's gone for good. I am so worried about their two young kids who never get to enjoy their mother as much as they would. For my brother who dearly loves his wife and for him to see her suffer and die. I dont think I can bear to see all of that.
Grace, I know you want to live longer and see your kids grow, I am sorry that you never get to see that anymore. I know that you would like to get better but your poor body is just tired and weary. May you be forever young and beautiful where ever you are as you look down on us everyday. Rest in peace.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
One Step At A Time
Dylan is finally walking. Not that good yet but he's sure trying. he dont sit still anymore. Like to walk, walk and walk. Every afternoon I would take him infront of our house so he can get some practice walking. The problem is once we are outside, he would cry if I take him inside. Over the weekend, i bought him a new pair of shoes. For walking ! But of course mama has one too...
When I saw him walk all the way to hall for the first time, it dawned on me that Dylan is no longer a baby, well to me he is still. Seems like yesterday, I was just holding him for the first time in my arms after my c sec delivery and now he is already taking off on me. I am not ready for it. I dont want him to grow up ! Dylan growing up it is inevitable. Before I knew it, he is 18 years old, introduce me to his beautiful girlfriend and moving out to go to college. I know that I sound so advance but I know it will all happen one day. My sweet little boy is no longer a baby !
Sometimes his tiny hands likes to hold my hand and I love it. I felt that security he has holding me, his mama ! But for most of the time , he would just simply wants to walk on his own.
If one day, Dylan's wife would ask me - how old was Dylan when he starts walking? At least I can answer - 13 months ! And she would say oh maybe our son/daughter would walk at about the same age as their daddy... I have this blog to go back to.
When I saw him walk all the way to hall for the first time, it dawned on me that Dylan is no longer a baby, well to me he is still. Seems like yesterday, I was just holding him for the first time in my arms after my c sec delivery and now he is already taking off on me. I am not ready for it. I dont want him to grow up ! Dylan growing up it is inevitable. Before I knew it, he is 18 years old, introduce me to his beautiful girlfriend and moving out to go to college. I know that I sound so advance but I know it will all happen one day. My sweet little boy is no longer a baby !
Sometimes his tiny hands likes to hold my hand and I love it. I felt that security he has holding me, his mama ! But for most of the time , he would just simply wants to walk on his own.
If one day, Dylan's wife would ask me - how old was Dylan when he starts walking? At least I can answer - 13 months ! And she would say oh maybe our son/daughter would walk at about the same age as their daddy... I have this blog to go back to.
Are women really tough on other women????
Ok, I am the new kid on the block - the newest employee on the 2nd floor. The new recruit, the newest face on the team etc etc. I would like to believe now that wherever it is women tends to be tough on other women. How did I come up with this conclusion? Simple, I am experiencing it right now with my new job. I dont know why would someone would treat new employee like they dont belong there. Am I overacting or paranoid that they feel like that against me. Why? How? What did I do. I dont think I am annoying , not even obnoxious ! I am very friendly, smile and often say Hi and Hello.
When I was training people at Chase, I dont treat them like I just met them today ! I always try to make them feel comfortable and help them with what I can. Strike a conversation, ask them if they have dogs, what is there background. I just ask those questions not to pry on their personal lives, but just to break the ice.
Sometimes I would ask myself? Am I not a likeable person? A person who is misjudge by looking at my personal apperance first before knowing me as a person? Or maybe women are jsut being tough on other women? Ironic it is that ony with women I felt a resentment not true with the opposite gender.
Question? What should someone like me who just wants to fit in and make some new friends has to do? The answer is, no matter how much I try to make friends, please everyone and fit it, it will never gonna work. Why? Because some people are not like me, some people dont care and some are really Bitches !!! yeah and there are many of those where I work now.
Like I have always tell myself..........I dont care if they dont like me, because I dont like them either.
What goes around comes around.
When I was training people at Chase, I dont treat them like I just met them today ! I always try to make them feel comfortable and help them with what I can. Strike a conversation, ask them if they have dogs, what is there background. I just ask those questions not to pry on their personal lives, but just to break the ice.
Sometimes I would ask myself? Am I not a likeable person? A person who is misjudge by looking at my personal apperance first before knowing me as a person? Or maybe women are jsut being tough on other women? Ironic it is that ony with women I felt a resentment not true with the opposite gender.
Question? What should someone like me who just wants to fit in and make some new friends has to do? The answer is, no matter how much I try to make friends, please everyone and fit it, it will never gonna work. Why? Because some people are not like me, some people dont care and some are really Bitches !!! yeah and there are many of those where I work now.
Like I have always tell myself..........I dont care if they dont like me, because I dont like them either.
What goes around comes around.
For Dylan
I have written this for Dylan, for his first birthday.... I love you very much Kiddo !
A year ago today......
…Went to have my one last big meal the night before because the following day I will be scheduled for c-section.... I don’t think I can have epidural free delivery.
... 20 minutes of labor ended up the doctor telling me a C-Section was necessary.
... My worst fears was realized as I laid on the operating table.
... I realized the greatest bliss in the world when I heard Dylan muffled cries were heard. I saw when my dr pulled him with one eye open and he told me he looks exactly like me.
... I saw a pride in Mike I never imagined as he came back from seeing our son and said "He looks just like you. Kiss me and told me that I did a good job.
... I felt love stronger as I looked at my son's face for the first time.
... I held my son for the first time and said, "I don't really know what I am doing quite yet, but I will do everything to learn. I will give you the world, Dylan." And I meant it.
... I realized just how huge and incredible my purpose in this world really is.
... I realized what people mean when they say they would kill for their child.
... I knew a fear, a love, a pride, uncertainty never known before.
A year ago today, James Dylan Coley was born at 8:28 AM, weighing 6 pounds 8 ounces at 20 3/4 inches long. A year ago today, I held my heart in my hands for the very first time.
I can't believe it has been a year. It seems like lifetimes ago, yet like yesterday. I remember every detail - every sight, every smell, every sound was the most incredible, life-altering day in my life. There is something so breathtaking and magical about looking at a perfect little face, gazing into beautiful eyes, having a tiny hand wrap around your finger. Knowing that that face, those eyes, and that hand - that is you. That is your child, your legacy, your one chance to do it right. I know Dylan picked me and Mike, as parents, and I will do everything I can to continue to be the best mother in the world for him. He deserves it. He deserves the world.
It is extremely hard for me to type this, as we transition from baby to a one year old .... I am already inlove with you the minute I saw you.
Happy Birthday, my dear Dylanpoo.
Have the best year ever :)
Love,
“mommy"
Going Back To Work
Tomorrow is my first day with my new job. I can't day I am truly excited to go back to work again. The reason is not because I am darn to lazy but simply because I will miss the "life of my life" . His name is Dylan. I been out of work for a little less than a year. Not by choice but because I was laid off. Blessing in disguise I spend a lot of time with my lil man.
Dylan was so much joy now. He laugh with me, hug me, kiss me and acts silly. How can I not miss that. He is also learning to walk and I am very excited to see that. But since I am working again, I will definitely miss that milestone. Oh, if we can only afford for me just to stay home.
When I got an offer about a week ago, I was sad ! For most people who already run out of their "unemployment benefits" would be jumping for joy... Not me. I was so sad the whole day. Then I cried. Mike ask me why? I just told him I will not spend more time with Dylan anymore. I have a bad separation anxiety I guess. I think I dont feel right having him and abandon him. For me he is a bit too young to be not with me. Although we want our kids to be independent, I think Dylan is at the age where he needs me more. Nothing is more beneficial but to provide a child with a caring, loving, fun and supportive environment. I hate to go back to work but I have no choice.
Two nights ago, my friend from Colorado called me. Nothing just to chat. I told her that I am going back to work and I will start on Wednesday. She was happy for me and at the same time excited too. I told her I am not. She told me that she is wanting to go back to work again. Can't wait. I told her you were lucky because you dont have to. You can be a staya t home mom for as long as you want.
Maybe things would be different once I get the hang of working again. Hmmm, I just dont know how to balance the life of a working mom. Am I gonna go crazy? Will I be stress out? Not sure me feeling bored, I doubt it. To top it all I will be driving more than 18 miles to work one way five days a week.... I am a terrified highway driver. we'll see how it will work for me.
Dylan was so much joy now. He laugh with me, hug me, kiss me and acts silly. How can I not miss that. He is also learning to walk and I am very excited to see that. But since I am working again, I will definitely miss that milestone. Oh, if we can only afford for me just to stay home.
When I got an offer about a week ago, I was sad ! For most people who already run out of their "unemployment benefits" would be jumping for joy... Not me. I was so sad the whole day. Then I cried. Mike ask me why? I just told him I will not spend more time with Dylan anymore. I have a bad separation anxiety I guess. I think I dont feel right having him and abandon him. For me he is a bit too young to be not with me. Although we want our kids to be independent, I think Dylan is at the age where he needs me more. Nothing is more beneficial but to provide a child with a caring, loving, fun and supportive environment. I hate to go back to work but I have no choice.
Two nights ago, my friend from Colorado called me. Nothing just to chat. I told her that I am going back to work and I will start on Wednesday. She was happy for me and at the same time excited too. I told her I am not. She told me that she is wanting to go back to work again. Can't wait. I told her you were lucky because you dont have to. You can be a staya t home mom for as long as you want.
Maybe things would be different once I get the hang of working again. Hmmm, I just dont know how to balance the life of a working mom. Am I gonna go crazy? Will I be stress out? Not sure me feeling bored, I doubt it. To top it all I will be driving more than 18 miles to work one way five days a week.... I am a terrified highway driver. we'll see how it will work for me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)